Children are simply smaller versions of adults. They know stuff. They understand their world and they think their own thoughts. They have little hearts that get broken. Be kind to them and speak to them respectfully on all topics, especially death. If you do they will feel comfortable coming to you in times of trouble. If you don’t, they’ll be forced to go elsewhere.

Like you, children will remember their first death, be it a pet or a family member. They, like you, will remember the darndest details, really surprising things. So while chaos swirls in your family, let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, and maybe a little helpless. Adults know loved ones live in our hearts forever, but that’s something that must be explained to a child. Nicely.

Death is part of life. It’s natural and has great order. Treat it as such and children will understand. Empower them with language and allow them their own thoughts. Make them safe in their feelings and they will love you for it.

 

1. Talk about everything. Let the child lead. Even young children. Learn what they know and answer their questions. Mainly listen and be fair. Respect what they are saying. Be kind. Sometimes saying "Ummm," is all you need to do. Besides, you’ll discover they might know more than you do.
    
   
2. Grow comfortable saying, "I don’t know." We don’t have answers for everything, especially on cultural or religious differences. When we attend a funeral, we do so out of respect. And love. There is no need to worry or feel embarrassed. We are there to honor and show our respect for a life well lived.
    
   
3. Cry. Cry together. Cry often. It’s healthy for everyone.
    
   
4. Hold your loved ones. All of them. Include animals. Remember, children are often forgotten at funerals. You might be the only one to touch the child that day. That kindness will be remembered forever.
    
   
5. Do admit to needing help. Even a child’s help.
    
   
6. Expect a child to be lonely for a time. It’s natural.
    
   
7. Buy a book about death for your family library, one with pictures of different cultural customs. Think about your own philosophy of life for a few minutes too.
    
   
8. Allow children to play funeral, complete with customs.
    
   
9. Include children when creating your own family funeral rituals

1. for all pets
    
   
2. making pictures for the fridge
    
   
3. making up songs
    
   
4. at Christmas, by including Gram by setting a place for her, or by making a card
    
   
5. celebrate Gram regularly by talking about her
    
   
6. letting children play funeral games while visiting the cemetery
    
   
7. letting children honor the dead their way
    
   
8. Think back to your own childhood. How did you feel when your feelings were ignored?

 

---

 

1. Don’t embarrass a grieving child. They feel pain too, just like adults and they’ll remember you hurt them. Forever.
    
   
2. Don’t ignore grieving children. Just because they don’t know what to say doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking. They lie awake thinking about Gram too, you know.
    
   
3. Don’t pretend you know it all. No one does.
    
   
4. Don’t embarrass grieving adults.
    
   
5. Don’t worry about school or school marks after a major trauma or loss. Children will catch up when ready, and not before.
    
   
6. Don’t be shocked if children start sucking their thumbs, having nightmares, or wet the bed. It’s natural. Be kind. Be supportive. In time, things will heal.
    
   
7. Don’t expect children to pretend that nothing has happened. Something has. A big something has happened.

 

---

 

The top 3 childhood myths:

1. Children don’t grieve.
   Yes, they do. They have deep feelings about everything: the birth of a sibling, loss of a sibling, moving away, new school, getting a new mother, the death of a pet, a stolen bike, and a lost doll. Children are always dealing with grief issues. You can see it when you look in their eyes. And, 1 out of 7 children loses a parent to death before the age of ten. That’s not divorce, but death!
    
   
2. Children experience few losses.
   Wrong. Often children have twenty disappointments a day: not being able to afford birthday presents, having dads who won’t come to school events, having a dad who drinks too much, knowing they can’t read like other kids, knowing they are hungry or that they can’t do math. Sometimes they have a mom who embarrasses them in front of the teacher. They might have siblings who bring them trouble. They might know other kids don’t like them, or that they look different. They worry about sleepovers, or not having the right thing for show and tell. Maybe they don’t like their new dad. Can you remember some disappointments of your own?
    
   
3. Childhood is the happiest time of one’s life.
   Wrong. One out of 4 children will be abused. Children still go hungry. Children face racism. Other children can be incredibly cruel. Did you really enjoy your childhood? Many children do not.

 
More Childhood Myths

• Children believe Mom and Dad knows everything.

  No, they don’t, especially once they get to school. No matter what, your children will love you and defend you, even when terribly disappointed. Children are incredibly resilient. They have faith in you, but they know you don’t know everything.

  What children respond to is how you treat them. If you respect your children, their feelings and their intelligence, they will respect yours. And bless them, they don’t expect you to always be right. But they sure admire your pluck when you try.

  What children respond to is how you treat them. If you respect your children, their feelings and their intelligence, they will respect yours. And bless them, they don’t expect you to always be right. But they sure admire your pluck when you try.

  So, allow your whole family to struggle with the death. Listen to everyone, including children. We all see Grampa differently. Grow comfortable with everyone’s thoughts.

  Children know when you are uncomfortable. Rather than embarrass you, they will turn to others for help. Children want to understand things, even sad things. They hate feeling inadequate, just like you do. They will come to you first, but if you can’t help them, they will turn to someone else.

  
   
  
• Children don’t think about death

  Wrong. They understand loss instinctively. Children will study dead birds for hours if you let them. They have friends whose pets have died. Death is not dirty to them. Like everything new, death is fascinating to children. Death is different. Death makes people act weird. It has it’s own language: funeral, cemetery, coffins, caskets, cremations, memorial service, plot, Mass, wills, bequeaths, embalming, wake, spirits, angels, prayers, hymns, heaven/hell, purgatory, and last rights. Children love to impress classmates with their knowledge and that means understanding and using new words correctly, including death words.

  A two year old watched his mother watch many days worth of Princess Diana’s death on television. Finally he turned to his mother and asked, "Who’s going to go to the store to buy milk for her boys?"

  A three-year-old at preschool turned to her playmate whose mother had recently died. With horror she asked, "So, who’s taking you to the mall?"

  Because children know children whose mothers or fathers have died, they worry about you, especially when they are age 6-8. All they want is reassurance when they ask, "Will you die, Mom?" Don’t brush them off by saying no. What if you’re wrong? The answer is, "Yes, but hopefully not for many years."

  
   
  
• Don’t worry, the kids won’t notice the death. Wrong!
  
  1. Sudden death of a mother: On the day the mother died, Dad took the 2 kids, aged six and eight to London -- no clothes, no toys, no dog, no goodbyes, nothing. And it got worse. The father never mentioned the mother’s name again. He thought the kids would not notice! The result? Great hatred, much therapy, and several suicide attempts.
      
     
  2. Adults assume that because Uncle Bob was a mean old rascal whose death was long overdue, everyone should feel the same. Wrong. To a seven year-old boy, Uncle Bob was a hero because he took him fishing and they caught the child’s first fish — a treasured memory. Adults must allow children to have their own special feelings.
      
     
  3. A father of a 6-year-old said his daughter never thought about death, yet she and her playmate buried Barbie dolls in the backyard. Why? The playmate’s baby sister had died. Together the children were playing rituals. It was the father who was uncomfortable with death, not the children.
      
     
  4. Blithely repeating, "Grampa’s okay. Stop worrying," won't cut it, for when Grampa dies, your credibility is shot. Did you think the child didn’t notice the doctors? The hospital? The tubes? The hushed conversations? How dumb do you think children are?

     Worse, kids sometimes think if you can’t handle things for Grampa, then maybe you can’t handle things for them either. When you set yourself up as the know it all, you’re asking for trouble. It won’t take long before you’re knocked off the mountain. And trust me, kids will remember that day!

     Remember, children love big words, especially big juicy medical words. They know doctors can’t fix everything. Empower children and allow them to understand what they can. Again, a child will not embarrass you. Or Grampa. And why shouldn’t a child have a mature heart to heart talk about death with his dying Grampa?

     
      
     
  5. Children aren’t allowed to attend funerals. Big mistake — one that regularly happens. Parents who ignore a child’s wish are taking huge risks. Children usually have very reasonable requests. If ignored, they can harbour deep resentments towards you, ones that last a lifetime. Besides, why shouldn’t your child be allowed to say goodbye to a loved one? Children five and up have great understanding. Let them teach you. Children will not be frightened unless you teach them to be frightened.
      
     
  6. One of the nicest children’s stories I’ve heard came from a lady who grew up on a farm. Each time a child found a dead creature they presented it to their father who would lay it in a matchbox. Then he would parade the children single file out into the field where he would preside over the funeral, complete with prayers, hymns, and service. Every living creature was revered in this way. It should come as no surprise to discover this lady is now a hospice volunteer. She knows how to appreciate life.
      
     
  7. A dying father made his wife promise she would not tell the children he was dying. He said he wanted to do it, only he never did. Shortly before his death his 8-year-old daughter lamented, "Poor Daddy. It’s so sad, we can’t tell him he’s dying." And you thought she hadn’t noticed!
      
     
  8. A child brought her dead hamster to school in a shoebox because Mom couldn’t cope with it. Imagine the mother’s hurt years later when the girl no longer comes to her for support. She’ll wonder why. Well, the distrust started with the hamster.
  
   
  
• Children will forget it. Yeah right, as if you wouldn’t notice the dog was missing, or that Gram wasn’t there at Christmas.
  We all miss loved ones even if we don’t say so out loud. If you won’t talk about Gram after she’s dead, children are forced to assume that Gram’s not important. Soon they start thinking you wouldn’t bother to remember them either. The message — everyone is a throwaway, including pets and people. Is that really what you believe? I don’t think so.
   
  
• In Closing
  Start with the thought that children are brilliant, because they are. Some adults take far too long to notice it. Adults have words. Children have understanding. Our job is to give them words.
   
  Death is part of life. It’s natural and has great order. Treat it as such. Children will understand.
   
  Be kind to a child when they are grieving and they will be kind to you forever.
   
  Empower them with language. Allow them their own thoughts.
   
  Make them safe in their feelings.
   
  Allow them to honour their dead pets and relatives.
   
  Help them so they won’t live a life full of regrets for not having said or done this and that.
   
  Be kind. Be kind. And when you have doubts, be kinder still. Now, pass it on.